That feeling when..

That feeling when you don’t want to get out of bed, when all you want to do is lay in the dark under a blanket, when all you want to do is just sleep forever. Many people have hit this time in their life. It’s called depression. Depression affects many people in many ways shape and form. It’s when your brain doesn’t want to be happy for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because someone has passed, or maybe it’s because you didn’t get that promotion at work. But what about when you’re depressed and you have no reason to be?

Depression is a hard thing to overcome. Those who have never experienced a truly depressive state don’t really understand what it is really like. It is exhausting, tiring, and most of all annoying. Being in bed all day doesn’t make you feel better, it makes you feel useless. Not getting up to shower makes you feel gross. Not taking care of chores that need to be done makes you feel anxious of what needs to be done. It seems almost impossible to fathom getting out of bed because for whatever reason it may be, that is the most difficult thing.

For me, depression knocks me down, hard. When I am depressed, I lay in bed, sleep, go on my phone, do absolutely nothing that I need to do. I feel worthless in these times because let’s face it, who would feel great? It’s hard for me at times because it just happens. There sometimes isn’t an event that leads me to feel so hopeless. Sometimes I just wake up and never get out of bed. I hate feeling that way for many reasons, the most being that empty feeling, being numb to the outside world. I never understood how people could hurt themselves, but I now understand. You want to feel something; anything.

Depression takes many forms and shows in different ways. It can be as obvious as not showering or as subtle as not responding to texts when you get them. You are so tired from being sad that you just don’t have the energy or desire to talk to anyone in any form. I have come to realize different tell-tale signs of depression. I know what the people around me do, how they act, when they aren’t feeling well. I can see it in their eyes, hear it in their forced laugh, notice that they aren’t doing what they normally do in their everyday lives.

While being deep in a depressive state it is hard to see the “light” at the end of the tunnel so to speak. It is hard to see better days, to know that one day everything will be okay again. You will feel happy, you will be active, you will want to do something. I have noticed when I am down I look at my phone more often than not. I sit there and read forums, look at memes, watch videos on my phone. I think I do this because looking or reading something happy or interesting might trigger my mind to be happy, to finally get out of the funk I am in. It more often times than not doesn’t work, I’ll be honest, but I feel like it will in that time.

Being depressed for me makes me want to sleep, but I do have responsibilities. I still get up and go to school, I force myself to shower, I make myself go to work. I shuffle through these activities with a fake smile on my face because I have to. I have to go and take care of what I need to do, regardless of how I am feeling at that moment. It is terrible, but I somehow manage to do it. Some can not do this, which I understand fully. There are times where I want to call off of work, to skip class and just sleep, and I’ll tell you that I have done that. There have been times where I skip what I need to do to just lay and sleep, to just be in my own cocoon of sadness.

I have had depression triggered by life events, such as the death of my dad or a break-up. For me, those times seemed different. I was able to tell myself that yes, you are sad beyond what you can imagine, but this feeling will pass and you will feel better. I have been able to overcome these times because I can tell myself that this pain is temporary and will become less and less over time. Being depressed for a specific event or time because of an outside factor in my opinion is easier to manage. You can see that “light.” You can picture yourself feeling better after time has passed and you have grieved for it.

Depression that just happens is the true beast of my mind. There is no factor, it just happens. I think to myself “why are you like this?” I am harder on myself during these times which only makes things worse. When this kind of depression, that seems to come out of the blue, is much harder to deal with. You can’t see that “light” because you have no idea why you’re sad. You have no clue as to why your brain has decided to stop releasing serotonin. You don’t know why you feel the way you do which makes it that much harder to pull yourself back up. How can you tell yourself to “just be happy” when all you can think about is how terrible you feel.

For me, and many other people, medications can help. They can’t fix everything, but they can help. But when they stop working is when you can’t see the end. Being artificially happy is a weird feeling to me. It’s like I am happy but something in the back of my mind is telling me that it’s fake. I can’t shake the feeling that while right now I am happy it could all change in a moment’s time. Being bipolar that is something I have to deal with all the time. Going from happy to sad in what seems like a blink of an eye. My medications can only take me so far before I switch up unexpectedly. It is something I am not proud of, that my doctors feel they can fix, but I feel as if that will never be truly “fixed.”

Being depressed is normal for humans. We all will feel it at some point unfortunately. We will feel the pain and despair wether it be for an event or just feeling blue. It’s human nature for our brains to go through this, for it to want to just sleep and lay and just be. I always try to remind myself that it does get better, that I will feel again. Not being okay is okay to a certain point. I try not to let it go on for a long period of time; I have learned to ask for help. I suggest that to anyone. If you are sad for a long period of time and you can’t see the end, ask for help from anyone. There are many people out there that are willing to help you; trust me on that. Depression is normal, but there is a “light,” you just have to find it.

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